The Voice in the Stillness
Still yourself. Quiet your mind. Embrace the peace that I offer. Allow yourself to feel My presence.
I’ve struggled with religion and the idea of God for pretty much my entire life. I've been to different churches, tried to read the Bible, poured over books on spirituality, binge watched Oprah's Super Soul Sunday. I looked everywhere, sometimes desperately, to see a sign of the existence of a Higher Power, the God that so many willingly, wholeheartedly, seemed to put their faith in. But I rarely, if ever, found it.
I so wanted to hear His voice, have some proof of Him, not just in the abstract, but in the concrete, in my life. I wanted reassurance and guidance and answers to things that I couldn't seem to find anywhere from anyone.
After searching and not finding, I began to believe that if God wasn't presenting himself to me, it meant that I wasn't good enough to receive His love. I was filled with shame, convinced that because my faith was lacking, it meant that I was lacking too. I spent years carrying the burden of this secret, feeling – no, knowing - that I would never be enough to earn God's love and grace.
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I discovered meditation by accident. I'm not one of those people who gravitate towards it like the proverbial duck to water. My attention span runs to that of a cat with a laser pointer. I have ZERO self-discipline when it comes to ignoring any interruptions in either my physical or mental environment. I’m not prone to deep, relaxing thoughts. What I am prone to is incessant internal chatter, noisy commentaries, and a constant stream of harsh judgment and self-criticism.
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So it probably will come as no surprise that my first forays into meditating brought with them intense frustration. I had trouble sitting still, and thoughts and voices that I couldn’t keep silent tormented me relentlessly. But. In the few instances when I could calm my mind, what happened was really quite miraculous. Because when I was able to tune out the chatter both outside my head and in, I began to hear the faint voice of something else – a Higher Power, a Universal wisdom that brought with it a steady stream of positivity and reassurance and love.
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It was such a humbling experience to realize that after all the years of feeling abandoned and forgotten, this Higher Power had been with me, had never left my side. Every time I had cried out in anger and frustration, “Why aren’t you listening to me?! Can’t you hear me?!” I was pointing the finger in the wrong direction. Because the one who wasn’t listening was me.
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Don't be afraid of the stillness; don't be afraid of the quiet. Surrounding yourself with constant noise helps to block out your fears and insecurities, but it also blocks out Me and My messages for you.